Is It Wrong to Tell Kids to Apologize? The Atlantic

These points aren’t necessarily wrong. But as is often the case in modern parenting debates, the stakes are lower and the reality is more nuanced than many influencers would have you believe. Instructing a kid to say sorry is sometimes useless, at least in the moment; it could be unnecessary, depending on the child’s temperament; and it might be harmful, depending on how you go about it. But when you account for the emotional complexity stirred up by conflict, you can find as many feelings-informed reasons to insist on an apology as not.

Take the classic anecdote that’s used to illustrate the downsides of “forced apologies”: A child snatches a toy from a friend or pushes him over. A parent barks at him to “say you’re sorry,” which he does, but in a half-hearted manner. He then carries on with his play, having learned nothing and leaving the victim feeling no better for it.

Yet apologies are socially and emotionally tricky. Observing my own children, I’ve found that what stops them from apologizing often isn’t an absence of remorse but the presence of other strong emotions—a lingering frustration over whatever precipitated their actions, embarrassment for having publicly messed up, a vague but overblown fear of what will happen if they do apologize. (This last point is true for adults as well: Schumann pointed me to a study noting that adults anticipate that apologizing will feel more humiliating and stressful than it ends up being.) Sometimes, guilt itself seems to be the obstacle; my children feel bad for what they’ve done and want to disappear into my arms rather than call any more attention to it. In other words, the issue isn’t always that a kid doesn’t feel sorry but that, for a variety of reasons, he doesn’t feel like saying so.

Younger children’s more ready acceptance of shoddy apologies may have something to do with the very fact that they are emotionally underdeveloped. Theory of mind—the ability to recognize that other people have thoughts and feelings different from one’s own—develops gradually in humans, but it’s a process that starts fairly early. Cara Goodwin, a licensed clinical psychologist and the founder of Parenting Translator, a newsletter that breaks down scientific research on parenting, told me that, from infanthood, children can express concern for others’ emotions; for instance, when babies see another baby in distress, they look around for help. But even after kids develop a grasp on others’ emotions, they still often struggle with making apologies—because the big challenge for them is regulating their own emotions.

Goodwin agreed that modeling apologies and helping children reflect on their actions are essential. But she thinks there’s a place for prompting, or even insisting on, children’s apologies—for the simple reason that apologizing often doesn’t feel good, at least not right away. Nudging a child through an apology, even one that comes out clouded by other emotions, can teach them to cope with discomfort, help dispel any exaggerated fears, and expose them to some of apologies’ upsides—the relief of being forgiven, or the satisfaction of knowing you’ve done something to right a past wrong. Marjorie Ingall, a co-author of Getting to Sorry: The Art of Apology at Work and at Home, compared apologizing to learning to tie your shoes: You can get only so far watching someone else do it. Trying it yourself is awkward and frustrating at first, but fumble through it enough times and eventually it clicks.

Of course, there’s no guarantee that getting your child to apologize will succeed in smoothing over a situation. Perhaps he won’t be forgiven. Perhaps his muffled apology will draw scorn from onlooking peers. There are all manner of ways for conflict resolution to result in emotional bruising—but this is true regardless of your approach.

That brings us to the hard reality of feelings-informed parenting: Children’s emotions are slippery and unpredictable. When you put their feelings in command—especially amid the minefield of childhood conflict—it becomes painfully clear that adults have far less sway than they’d like to believe.